Seriously, a bad back can put you out of action for weeks.

On a related note, help get this apostate’s book into every school library in England and Wales.

Discussion (60)¬

  1. Great punchline again, Author. Thanks.

  2. Alfie Noakes says:

    A genuine ‘LOL’, there. Nice one, Author!

  3. More Heathen nonsense and blasphemy. I only come to this site so I can hate you all even more but also to laugh inwardly, knowing as I do that 40,000 virgins await me and an eternity of hell fire and re-runs of “Some Mothers do Have ’em” await you.

    Oh, by the way..esteemed author wanted me to post this link. More atheist clap-trap no doubt. Haven’t looked personally, just shared to all and sundry. http://goo.gl/Sfw15

  4. Or neck! I’ve had this crick in my neck and it was getting better but then Sunday evening I stared up at the bats flying out of their roost for a looooooong time and crick returned with a vengeance.

    It was a great finale to the American Atheists’ Convention though. Lots of friends there. During my talk I asked how many knew J and M and a lot of hands went up.

  5. Nassar Ben Houdja says:

    “Death to infidels” Islam’s first and last say
    About anything or any way
    Faithful Muslims demand silence
    With insane violence
    They do this many times every day.

  6. Author says:

    @Ophelia – If you asked the same audience again, they’d all go up now. Thanks!

  7. steeve says:

    There is an easy way to find out, isn’t there? Ask the beheadee if it hurt or not. Blink once for yes, twice for no

  8. DiamondStorm says:

    This made me giggle. ^-^ Nice one!

  9. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    “Seriously, a bad back can put you out of action for weeks.”
    Lower back trouble is, of course, the evolutionary cost of our bipedalism (or an incompetent designer), and even though I’m speaking as one with a seriously knackered spine, I think it was a price worth paying.

    Nassar, somewhere in today’s offering of yours is a lovely bit of satire. In fact, as I have noted on many an occasion, there so often is; I just wish you wouldn’t insist on hiding it behind a wall of terrible verse.

  10. slumpy says:

    Is this a beheading ala “death of a princess” or typical Al Queda effort. If the latter most definitely painful. Primitive either way

  11. eddy says:

    Would Jesus beheaded have worked for salvation?

  12. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Being beheaded didn’t do this little chap any harm.

  13. Algolei says:

    I’ve had my head chopped off twice, it’s not that bad. Only hurts for the first minute or two.

    (…well, I got better.)

  14. Me says:

    “help get this apostate’s book into every school library in England and Wales.”

    Great, but if it is the British Humanist people, why limit it only to England and Wales? Have you written of the good people of Scotland and N Ireland?

  15. Jobrag says:

    I suppose that using a guillotine would be un-Islamic.

  16. Nice reworking of the ‘castrating a camel’ joke.


  17. hotrats says:

    Or indeed Del Boy telling his pregnant wife, “You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things like that, not in your condition. You gotta bend your knees and keep your back straight.”

  18. iLaexis says:

    If beheading is painless then why are animalsmsubjected to halal- a long drawn-out inhumane procedure? All Muslims I know defend that as being painless and holy, surely then humans must also be halaaled not beheaded.

  19. Hypatia Alexandria says:

    should not the first panel read
    ‘ beheading is a painless method of
    islamic human sacrifice’

  20. European says:

    Not sure what iL means; the halal way of slaughtering actually entails severing the arteries in the neck with one swift cut, just like beheading al-Qaida style (no, I haven’t watched those gruesome videos, not into splatter and snuff).
    To be fair, talking about abattoirs in the West, there may be something to be said for halal slaughtering – except, I would not want to have a close look into slaughterhouses in Muslim countries, as industrialised as any Western animal production. And I have seen slaughtering in the streets of Cairo, for the Eid al-Adha (sacrifice after the pilgrimage), nothing like halal by any minimal standards; theory and practice, here and there…

  21. Peter says:

    Perhaps the beheadees are offered an aspirin, to take the edge of it, so to speak.

  22. Hi Heathens,
    Just wondered if you had any particular insights/opinions on the Saudi ‘Paralysis’ story, which I’m hoping to write something on? http://goo.gl/2fxH4

  23. JoJo says:

    Well, EinsteinsGhost, I suppose it renders the Author’s punch line and quip below the strip unintentionally insensitive..

  24. BobUnco says:

    EinsteinsGhost’s first post triggered an intriguing issue: If Muslim men get 42 viergins in paradise, what do Muslim women get?

  25. hotrats says:

    Fresh hymens, of course.

  26. UncoBob says:

    Hotrats: I was wondering about toyboys for the girls. There is also something a bit disconcerting about the 42:1 female to male ratio of residents of paradise that must apply if the men achieve 42 virgins each. It would have to imply that far more women achieve paradise than men (Of course in that case, it would also require that they achieve the state with their virginity reinstated.)

    I suppose it could be that some/all of the virgins supplied to the men are not real women – supernatural beings of some sort. Probably not an issue if everyone is dead to start with.

    Think I’m raving. It’s been a weird week.

  27. Peter says:

    …what do Muslim women get?

    One “forty-two’th” of a geezer?

  28. Suffolk Blue says:

    42 virgins? I thought it was 70! Jeez – even cutbacks in Paradise now.

  29. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    hotrats says:
    April 5, 2013 at 10:32 am
    Fresh hymens, of course

    Nice one, hotrats. A genuine laugh-out-loud punchline.

    I’m still amused at the idea that ‘virgins’ was a mis-translation of ‘white raisins’.
    “Raisins? I blew my arse up for fucking raisins?. Couldn’t I at least have a Sultana or two?”

  30. are you my waiter says:

    Seriously, 42 virgins? Sounds like hell to me.

  31. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    And you’ll note that they don’t actually state the gender, age – indeed any details about the aforementioned virgins. Mother Theresa, various Popes (except the Borgia Popes; they knew how to party, apparently), even Jean Alexander (Hilda Ogden) died virgins, and I doubt that any of them are on young Muslim mens’ ‘to do’ list.

  32. jerry w says:

    You get 42 virgins? Well, if they weren’t good enough for their fathers or their brothers………

  33. hotrats says:

    Here’s a nice example of Islam as a shining force for pious moral rectitude in the world, and the remarkable elasticity of its definition of marriage, courtesy of Channel 4 News: Rape and sham marriages; the fears of Syria’s women refugees.

  34. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    jerry w says:
    April 6, 2013 at 6:26 am
    You get 42 virgins? Well, if they weren’t good enough for their fathers or their brothers………

    ………then they obviously weren’t from the Deep South.
    “Cleetus, it don’t feel right makin’ out in fronta yer folks.”
    “It’s awright honey, they’m your folks too.”

    Carl bless the Simpsons.

  35. are you my waiter says:
    “Seriously, 42 virgins? Sounds like hell to me.”

    Yup, it’s not heaven for the guy it’s hell for the virgins.

  36. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    richardelguru says:
    April 7, 2013 at 12:56 pm
    are you my waiter says:
    “Seriously, 42 virgins? Sounds like hell to me.”

    Well, one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell, and all that.
    I’ll know I’m in Hell when I find myself sharing a room with 42 Jeremy Fucking* Kyles.

    *It’s his real middle name….honest 😉 he shares it with Phil F. Collins, Hugh F. Grant, and Kenneth F. Ham.

  37. hotrats says:

    And one of the most popular, Jesus Christ All F. Mighty.

  38. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    And The Holy F. Ghost.
    Of course, according to Jake Blues, Jesus’ middle names were ‘H. Tap-dancing’, as in “Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ, I see the light!” I guess he never knew about the F.

  39. botanist says:

    A o f S – we’d all love to know what your other middle name is – the one starting with ‘O’ 🙂
    Said with a laugh – and sincerely hoping you take it the same way, else you and EG will conspire to banish me to the Isle of Wight……… 🙂

  40. rupirilo says:

    Just wondering if anyone has seen this article from the Daily Mail:

    So they get to wear their little crosses to work but complain that other groups should be given the same rights.

  41. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Why, it’s ‘Omnisillyness’ of course 😉

    Now, I wouldn’t usually do this about the recently deceased, but may I be the first to say; Hooray for Dorothy, the wicked Thatcher’s dead. I shall be taking dancing lessons forthwith; I don’t want to be the worst dancer on her grave, after all.

  42. botanist says:

    A J&M Dance Event. What a good idea.

  43. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    I’d get there early, botanist, it’s going to be one big queue; I estimate it’ll start at Westminster Abbey (to follow the coffin to its final resting place like one huge, macabre conga) and somewhere around the Isle of Skye.
    I saw on the news that she’ll be buried with full military honours, presumably for her part in the deaths of hundreds of British and Argentinian service personnel – most of the Argentinians being the sailors and soldiers murdered on the ARA General Belgrano on her direct orders – despite being told several times it was headed away from the exclusion zone ( you see, Blair and Dubya weren’t original, they merely followed where she led). One can only assume that the 21-gun salute will be fired directly into the vile old witch’s coffin, just to be certain.

  44. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    1st paragraph should read ‘…and end somewhere around….’
    For the umpteenth time, ah bollocks!

  45. omg says:

    AofS : I think that ‘Omnisillyness’ describe perfectly every religion.

    “Brian Binley, a member of the Commons business, innovation and skills committee, said the economy could not afford such ‘frivolous nonsense’.”

    I must agree that such nonsense should not be permitted at work, including for the Christian.

    I remember reading a few years ago about a woman who complaint because her boss refuse that she work with a veil. The security procedure, for the work she was doing, require that nobody could have a tide, loose clothing or… a veil. So it was for her own security, but she complaint anyway because her stupid belief.

  46. Mike N says:

    Hi AoS, I believe that you won’t be able to dance on her grave as she is to be thrown down a disused pit shaft in Yorks and a public toilet is to be built over the top. Patrons to be charged £5.00 per dump, it is expected that Britain’s National debt will be cleared within the week.

  47. jb says:

    “Raisins? I blew my arse up for fucking raisins?. Couldn’t I at least have a Sultana or two?”

    …Me hope flavor last looooong time.


  48. omg says:

    I hope that it is 72 (42, depending on the version) packs of gum. Even so, I fear it will not last for an eternity…

  49. David Amies says:

    Have any of you Jesus and Mo fans heard that the sainted mullahs of Saudi Arabia are trying to decide whether or not to have some poor wretch, who killed a boy when both were about 14 years old and who is now paralysed, surgically paralysed as well, on the good old eye for an eye principle. Great guys, these religious dudes, especially the ones that hold that Allah is merciful!


  50. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    jb, very apt, thanks.

    Mike N, an ex-miner friend of mine once said that they ought to hand her over to the miners she dumped on the scrapheap; they’d happily dig a hole deep enough to hand her over to Satan in person.

    And is it too soon for a joke? If so, look away now………

    What did Thatch and Jimmy Savile have in common?
    They both did terrible things to miners.

  51. Mike N says:

    AoS I’m reminded of Frankie Boyle on Mock the Week, the debate in Scotland wasn’t about if she should have a state funeral, but if she had to be dead before they buried her.

  52. Micky says:

    I think a lot of you will be surprised how much in the minority you are regards Maggie. Anybody who remembers the behaviour of the unions will have little sympathy with those perpetually striking workers now that their jobs have gone. I didn’t always like Thatcher but I’m glad she smashed the Unions, old labour and the Argentinian Junta. Anybody who believes Britain was a better place under Wilson and Callaghan is deluding themselves.

    I am not a spammer, and I swear frequently.

  53. HaggisForBrains says:

    I’ve been keeping my head down on this, Micky, but I agree with you. By the time she got to her third term I think the power had gone to her head, using the royal “we” and all, but the industries the unions claim she destroyed were past their sell by date, and no longer competitive in the international markets. She didn’t destroy them, they destroyed themselves. She simply refused to prop them up with (our) taxpayers money.

    When she came to power, the balance of industrial power had swung too far to the unions, and she was not popular for countering this. I notice that the subsequent Labour governments did little to reverse her changes, therefore tacitly accepting that she was right.

  54. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Micky & HFB (welcome back, by the way, I believe it’s your round), you do have a point; the country was in a mess. However, she didn’t so much take a sledgehammer to crack a nut, more like the staeam hammers from the soon-to-be defunct steel factories and shipyards. You don’t fix a country by condemning a record number of its citizens to the dole queue; by dividing and destroying entire communities; or by leaving manufacturing centres (think Sheffield, Glasgow, Birmingham, Newcastle, Nottingham, Liverpool, etc. etc.) in such a state of disarray that even now, 30 years after the evnt, they have still to recover.
    A good vet doesn’t kill a sick animal, but makes it better. Thatcher went straight for the jugular.

  55. HaggisForBrains says:


    HFB (welcome back, by the way, I believe it’s your round)

    I knew I should have kept my head down.

    I don’t think your vet analogy works very well for you – I’m thinking old pet that has been kept alive for a while with expensive treatment, finally put down to prevent further suffering.

    How do you fix the country when it’s full of dying industries? I agree that some areas suffered badly, because they were one-industry towns. I just don’t think there was ever an easy answer. It was a bitter medicine, but I believe the country in the long term was the better for it.

  56. hotrats says:

    In the early 70s I had a job in a workshop producing exhibition stands. The bulk of my work was de-nailing battens for reuse, and as it was a closed shop I had to have an apprentice carpenter ‘ticket’ from the union. The first time we went to an exhibition centre I began denailing battens until stopped by the shop steward; “You can’t do that kind of work on an apprentice ticket, We Won’t Know Where We Are.” I could hear the initial capitals – code for “Don’t rock the boat, maintain the fiction”.

    Years later I was attempting to place an advert in a magazine, complete with an illustration I had created myself on an early-model Mac. It couldn’t be accepted without the written permission of SOGAT, the designers mafia. (For more on this theme, read the hilarious ‘Notes from a small island’ by Bill Bryson, which details some of the incredible excesses of the print unions in the days of hot lead).

    MT at least put a stop to all that bollocks, and good riddance – given a choice of a boss or a shop steward, I would always take the boss; at least you knew where you stood. As for Maggie herself, her lifelong deep Christian faith must have been a great consolation, faced with the exigency of drowning Argentinian conscripts in their hundreds, as against all the time-consuming tedious negotiation that would have brought a peaceful settlement.

  57. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    blockquote>How do you fix the country when it’s full of dying industries?
    I don’t think it was the industries that were dying as much as the way they were being run. The unions needed bringing to order, but surely not by putting their rank and file members out of work, thereby making the unions redundant as well.

  58. HaggisForBrains says:

    OK AoS, lets agree, if we can, that it’s not clear black and white. I doubt we’ll resolve this tonight (or any other night). Agree to differ?

  59. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Of course, HFB. Somewhere between our views lies the truth, but I think that’s because polarising opinion was her forte; she didn’t ‘do’ middle-ground.
    She wasn’t known as the most divisive politician in the modern era for nothing, was she? 😉

  60. Tamfang says:

    If I could be assured of beheading by a single stroke, I’d much rather have that than the suffocation-by-paralysis now in vogue here in the rebellious colonies.

    David Amies: I don’t understand: who’s now paralyzed, the killer or his victim?


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