Happy Cruciversary!

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Discussion (79)¬

  1. Captain Zhap says:

    Yay, first to comment? Superb,I can just hear the tone of J’s voice. One of your best Author.

  2. Robert Andrews says:

    I thought Muslims didn’t drink. So what’s Mo doing in bars all the time?

    Just more hypocracy I guess!

  3. helperone says:

    It isn’t hypocrisy, it is alcohol-free Guinness.
    Alcohol-free with all the alcohol of normal Guinness. This may seem like a contradiction but it’s not, it’s a miracle. Just look who he’s drinking with.

    Mr ibn Nazareth, I know how you feel. That feeling of deep inability to be able to explain things to the Straights is why I rarely even try these days.
    It’s cool, we still like you. Have a hot chocolate and relax, young man.

  4. Phil says:

    excellent one on the Reincarnating Rabbi……I suspect the drinks double chocolate stout especially brewed for the occasion.

  5. Son of Glenner says:

    Thank you, Author – this strip goes straight to the jugular!

  6. Nassar Ben Houdja says:

    This holiday, is a crock of it
    In reality, is a tribute to chocolate
    Quit pretending remorse
    Get off you high horse
    And quit snivelling, a little bit.

  7. samhuff says:

    Apparently chocolate is theologically stronger than beer.

  8. Henry ford says:

    Oh, wonderful. Just how I felt this morning.

  9. Rod says:

    Robert Andrews – you’ll find your answer in the “About” section:

    – – – – – – – – –
    Is that really the Prophet Mohammed?
    No, it’s a body double. Mohammed couldn’t make it, as he has been dead for centuries.

  10. Sunny says:

    Beautiful. At last, Jesus feels real, like a human being.

  11. machigai says:

    Does Jesus have a bald spot?

  12. koppieop says:

    Irrelevant confectionery! Only one of the several gems, specially in this second frame.

  13. Kevin Colquitt says:

    Wait a minute Jebus, it was Mo who was disrespectful! The neologism “Cruciversary” came from his lips…but I love it!

    The Cruciversary! I’m going to throw that in the Christians faces to mock, mock, mock’em!

  14. tfkreference says:

    I prefer irreverent confectionery.

  15. E.A. Blair says:

    It’s just been announced that Easter has been cancelled…yeah, they found the body.

  16. Auntie1947 says:

    This is hilarious! The comment by E.A. Blair made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair!

  17. koppieop says:

    @tfkreference: I think Easter confectionery is not particularly irreverent, but it surely is irrelevant. – Simple slip of the machine, I assume? Cheers!

  18. oldebabe says:

    EABlair, and Auntie… made me laugh, too…

  19. FreeFox says:

    The Easter ones are always the best. “Tomb” remains my favourite of all J&M cartoons, but this one is awesome as well. ^_^

  20. FreeFox says:

    I apologise for the length of the post, but this needs to be said:

    “Remember,” she said to Wednesday, as they walked, “I’m rich. I’m doing just peachy. Why should I help you?”

    “You’re one of us,” he said. “You’re as forgotten and as unloved and unremembered as any of us. It’s pretty clear whose side you should be on.”

    They reached a sidewalk coffeehouse, went inside, sat down. There was only one waitress, who wore her eyebrow ring as a mark of caste, and a woman making coffee behind the counter. The waitress advanced upon them, smiling automatically, sat them down, took their orders.

    Easter put her slim hand on the back of Wednesday’s square gray hand. “I’m telling you,” she said, “I’m doing fine. On my festival days they still feast on eggs and rabbits, on candy and on flesh, to represent rebirth and copulation. They wear flowers in their bonnets and they give each other flowers. They do it in my name. More and more of them every year. In my name, old wolf.”

    “And you wax fat and affluent on their worship and their love?” he said, dryly.

    “Don’t be an asshole.” Suddenly she sounded very tired. She sipped her mochaccino.

    “Serious question, m’dear. Certainly I would agree that millions upon millions of them give each other tokens in your name, and that they still practice all the rites of your festival, even down to hunting for hidden eggs. But how many of them know who you are? Eh? Excuse me, miss?” This to their waitress.

    She said, “You need another espresso?”

    “No, my dear. I was just wondering if you could solve a little argument we were having over here. My friend and I were disagreeing over what the word ‘Easter’ means. Would you happen to know?”

    The girl stared at him as if green toads had begun to push their way between his lips.

    Then she said, “I don’t know about any of that Christian stuff. I’m a pagan.”

    The woman behind the counter said, “I think it’s like Latin or something for ‘Christ has risen,’ maybe.”

    “Really?” said Wednesday.

    “Yeah, sure,” said the woman. “Easter. Just like the sun rises in the east, you know.”

    “The risen son. Of course—a most logical supposition.” The woman smiled and
    returned to her coffee grinder. Wednesday looked up at their waitress. “I think I shall have another espresso, if you do not mind. And tell me, as a pagan, who do you worship?”


    “That’s right. I imagine you must have a pretty wide-open field. So to whom do you set up your household altar? To whom do you bow down? To whom do you pray at dawn and at dusk?”

    Her lips described several shapes without saying anything before she said, “The female
    principle. It’s an empowerment thing. You know?”

    “Indeed. And this female principle of yours. Does she have a name?”

    “She’s the goddess within us all,” said the girl with the eyebrow ring, color rising to her cheek. “She doesn’t need a name.”

    “Ah,” said Wednesday, with a wide monkey grin, “so do you have mighty bacchanals in her honor? Do you drink blood wine under the full moon while scarlet candles burn in silver candleholders? Do you step naked into the seafoam, chanting ecstatically to your nameless goddess while the waves lick at your legs, lapping your thighs like the
    tongues of a thousand leopards?”

    “You’re making fun of me,” she said. “We don’t do any of that stuff you were saying.”

    She took a deep breath. Shadow suspected she was counting to ten. “Any more coffees here? Another mochaccino for you, ma’am?”

    Her smile was a lot like the one she had greeted them with when they had entered.

    They shook their heads, and the waitress turned to greet another customer.

    “There,” said Wednesday, “is one who ‘does not have the faith and will not have the fun,’ Chesterton. Pagan indeed. So. Shall we go out onto the street, Easter my dear, and repeat the exercise? Find out how many passersby know that their Easter festival takes its name from Eostre of the Dawn? Let’s see—I have it. We shall ask a hundred people. For every one that knows the truth, you may cut off one of my fingers, and when I run out of them, toes; for every twenty who don’t know, you spend a night making love to me. And the odds are certainly in your favor here—this is San Francisco, after all. There are heathens and pagans and Wiccans aplenty on these precipitous streets.”

    Her green eyes looked at Wednesday. They were, Shadow decided, the exact same color as a leaf in spring with the sun shining through it. She said nothing.

    “We could try it,” continued Wednesday. “But I would end up with ten fingers, ten toes, and five nights in your bed. So don’t tell me they worship you and keep your festival day. They mouth your name, but it has no meaning to them. Nothing at all.”

    Tears stood out in her eyes. “I know that,” she said, quietly. “I’m not a fool.”

    “No,” said Wednesday. “You’re not.”

    – Neil Gaiman, American Gods

  21. FreeFox says:

    @Robert Andrews: I like that “hypocracy” you speak of. A most intriguing form of government. Is that the official name for “American Democracy“? I am quite certain that it is the correct description of the governments of the last two countries I lived in – Egypt and Turkey – but I suspect it covers many, many more. Who else here thinks s/he might live under a hypocracy?

  22. cjsm says:

    @FreeFox – not a Pagan here, but I will remember this story. Charming. Thank you.

    And as everyone else has said – at least once – this is a stellar effort. Thanks for the laugh, Author.

  23. dr John de Wipper says:

    You seem to have already copied that text (and acknowledged the autor) so I do not suspect you mind my copying and using it again.

    A jewel!


  24. Ann Kelley says:

    Oh, A, this one is just wonderful!

  25. wrinkel42 says:

    Gimmie some egg.
    Great to see a new aspect of maybe j.

  26. Some Dude says:

    I swear I have never seen Jesus depicted in such a position before.

    Nice work, Author!

  27. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    machigai says:
    April 12, 2017 at 2:20 pm
    Does Jesus have a bald spot?

    Tonsured, perhaps?

  28. Someone says:

    It’s funny, until now I have always thought of the egg as just part of Xianity’s appropriation of paganism for Easter. But Wikipedia has this fun tidbit:

    “[…]in Christianity, for the celebration of Eastertide, Easter eggs symbolize the empty tomb of Jesus, from which Jesus resurrected. In addition, one ancient tradition was the staining of Easter eggs with the colour red ‘in memory of the blood of Christ, shed as at that time of his crucifixion.'”

    So by that logic (and tying into the previously linked Tomb comic), Jesus ought to be celebrating the “irrelevant confectionery”.

    Speaking of which, really want a creme egg now.

  29. UncoBob says:

    One of the best, author. Pity I can’t share it with my believing partner.

  30. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Someone, this UPOTWA member feels duty bound to inform you that the word is ‘titbit’, despite what the childishly puritanical Americans may think.

  31. Someone says:

    Thanks, AoS. I actually didn’t know that. Then again, I have been living in Australia for 17 years and they also use “tidbit”, so go figure. May as well use the classic spelling from now on.

  32. DocAtheist says:

    Wow, so good! And the chocolate finish — perfect!
    And FreeFox’s story clipping puts that source-book onto my reading list.

  33. Ah, who but Author could imagine Jesus being sick of trying to explain what the dogma is all about. Panel three belongs on a t-shirt. Just brilliant again.

  34. HaggisForBrains says:

    Definitely one of the best, Author. And FreeFox, excellent quotation. I also liked the clever way you turned Robert Andrews’ typo into a neologism that perfectly describes many current governments.

    AoS – keep up the good work!

  35. pink squirrel says:

    Re -mo drinking – you don’t actually see who puts it to their mouth – so its possible that he is just holding a second 1/2 litre for Jessy

  36. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    That’ll be a pint, pink squirrel. Now wash out your mouth!

    Someone, I don’t know the exact etymology of titbit, but the most likely suggestion is that it was probably a reference to the amount of food a tit (blue-, coal-, great-, etc) took in each beak-full; the tit’s beakful. Other suggestions included a contraction of titch ( for ‘small’) or the Anglicisation of the Norman-French ‘petit’.

  37. dr John de Wipper says:

    The decent measure of beer (“Bier”) is “eine Masz”, as any Beier (Bavarian) will tell you. And if you want any authority on Bier, THAT is where you go!
    For the anglo-saxon (including ‘murican and aussie) beginners: eine Masz is one liter.
    Decent bier should not be served thimbles.

  38. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    dr John, the C&B is a British pub, and British pubs sell beer in pints and half-pints. None of yer litre/demi-litre nonsense here, ta very much.

  39. dr John de Wipper says:

    Let’s agree to disagree (at least on the matter of decent bier volumes; at many other points I do tend to agree with your views)

  40. FreeFox says:

    *FreeFox cringes so hard at Dr. John’s pompous pontifications that he spontaneously loses his winter fur, and hides behind a pint of opaque stout.*

  41. Acolyte, thanks for that education about titbit. I’ve always seen it spelled tidbit, and oddly enough that’s how my spell checker wants me to spell it. Those Americans, eh. Trying to evolve a different language. I have my language set to American on this computer, because otherwise Bill Gates thinks I must want to speak French, being a Canadian and all. This means that I get the red line under words like honour and humour. I’m now inspired to search for a UK option. And there, done. That was easy. Oh, damn. Probably have to reboot to make the change take affect. I’m still getting a red line under “honour”.

  42. Son of Glenner says:

    DH: “affect” should be “effect”!

  43. Nope. Still insisting on American spelling. Honour still has a red line under it, and titbit is still tidbit. Curse you, Microsoft.
    Hold on a tick… Firefox, my browser, also lists language preference. Let’s try that… no joy there either. Still the red line under “honour”. Time to ignore this and do something more important.

  44. Son of Glenner, ah hah. I thought I would hear from a member of UPOTWA. Effect is a verb. Affect is a noun. And you are quite right. I thought about it and chose the wrong one. As usual.

  45. Son of Glenner says:

    DH: “Effect is a verb. Affect is a noun.” NO!

  46. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Darwin, I’m assuming that you compose your comments elsewhere and copy them into the comment box since I don’t get the dreaded red line of smugness (are you sure that’s how you want it spelt?) when typing directly into said box.
    Is it possible for you to add English spellings to your computer’s dictionary?

    dr John, the day I hear a Brit say that they’re off for a litre I’ll agree to disagree, but until Hell freezes over it’ll be a pint.

    FreeFox, I tried to imagine you without your winter coat and now I’ll never unsee the image 🙂

  47. Someone says:

    On an unrelated note but keeping it Easter-themed, I spent my Good Friday trying to ignore religious broadcasts and indirectly watched two movies that tell the story of the messiah – RoboCop 1 & 2.

    No surprise I find the concepts of both movies more believable than what Jesus has given up defending.

  48. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    Someone, I think it’s pretty much a given that any film ever made will have a parallel either in the Bible or in one of Shakespeare’s works.

  49. Graham ASH-PORTER says:

    Mo doesn’t get any egg because of ‘Cruciversary’ comment?

  50. dr John de Wipper says:

    Good Friday. My favourite Dutch radio station for some years now turns it into “foute vrijdag” = wrong friday. For 15 hours they only play music that is (more-or-less generally) held to be no-good, for any reason.
    It is rather popular.

  51. Son of Glenner, okay, you finally got me to google it. And I was wrong to say that effect is a verb and affect is a noun. Once again I had it backwards. Okay, affect is a verb (You can affect a change, and the result is the effect of what you did.)
    Which means that my original usage was incorrect as you so quickly pointed out. Something takes ( “take” being the verb) effect ( “effect” being the noun). |I think what was happening was that I took “take affect” as a compound verb or something. This doesn’t mean that I’m not still confused, and won’t make the same mistake again.
    Damn but I hate prescriptive grammar. It’s all about usage, and what sounds right to the ear. Can we give it a rest now? ‘ere. ‘ave a virtual pint on me. Not a litre, though.

  52. Son of Glenner says:

    DH: Still wrong, but more creatively wrong! Enjoyed the virtual pint – thank you – have one back on me.

  53. Vanity Unfair says:

    Darwin Harmless:
    You are not wrong to say that “effect” is a verb. It is: as well as a noun.
    Cause (something) to happen; bring about:
    the prime minister effected many policy changes.

    Context is all. You can affect a change, i.e. alter its effect, but only after it has been effected. Affecting it before it has been made only affects the proposal for a change and changing the proposal effects a different change with different affects. At least, that’s how I have always seen it.

  54. helperone says:

    Jesse Carpenter could have done worse than to point to this image when trying to explain the mysterious (or insane) thinking of its daddy to the lovely and tolerant Barmaid.
    Daddy could cure suffering and give us immortality and spaceships and all them goodies but it prefers to make wars happen.

    It’s Jesse’s Second Birthday tomorrow, maybe we should make him a cake?

  55. FreeFox says:

    When you have to hang out with dad on Good Friday.

  56. Son of Glenner says:

    DH: Vanity Unfair got it right – and did so quite creatively! I raise my glasses (568 ml pint and 25 ml dram or nip) to both of you!

  57. Someone says:

    @FreeFox, best dad joke ever.

    @dr John, I suppose I should bring up one of the local community radio stations did have something like that here, with one of the weekly music and talk-back programs dedicating its 3 hours to purely blasphemous themes across several genres, including spoken word.
    Naturally I smiled when they played Metallica’s Holier Than Thou, but I also thought they missed an opportunity to play an even better song from the same album, The God that Failed. Oh well.

  58. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    We have a radio station in the U.K. dedicated to playing bad music 24hrs a day, every day. It’s called Smooth F.M. Trouble is, it doesn’t seem to realise that it’s a bad-music station, and truly believes that wall-to-wall ABBA and Phil F. Collins, Celine F. Dion and many more of that ilk is quality programming. I only know this because my elderly neighbour has it on from dawn ’till bedtime, and the volume is always turned up to 11.

  59. Danlantic says:

    @ Robert Andrews re Mohammed drinking beer:

    No less a theologian than Robert A. Heinlein in _Operation Chaos_ explained that the Koran forbids wine — explicitly. Some Moslems choose to take that literally so that beer — and hashish — are OK.
    On the other hand Moslems have listed under the sins of :”tahrib”, — Christian and Jewish forgeries added to the original version of the Bible, — the references to Jesus drinking wine. He could not have because Issa was a holy prophet and prophets don’t drink wine. Period.

  60. helperone says:

    Mr. of Sagan, if your friendly neighbourhood broadcaster is using a radio receiver to tune into and rebroadcast his delectable choice of musics, always remember that radio jammers may well be unlawful in UKland. I’m basing that notion on the principle that everything is unlawful in UKland.
    Unless it’s compulsory.

    Other sources are available. I am not a lawyer. I am not suggesting anything. I was not here when this was typed, sent or disseminated. All disclaimers claimed. Some electrons were sourced from natural, renewable, ethical sources.

    Happy Re-birthday to the Big Galoot.

  61. helperone says:

    Mr. Danlantic, the lovely Mr. Carpenter did not drink wine, he drank fortified water which had magically been fortified by his fortifying magical super-powers. In all three major branches of the cult of the book, water is Halal and Kosher and sin-free.

  62. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    helperone, not even I would stoop so low as to deprive a 92 year-old, almost deaf widow of her radio; I just wish she’d find another station, preferably one with more than the couple of dozen tracks that Smooth plays on an endless loop.
    And she bakes a smashing malt loaf.

  63. dr John de Wipper says:

    In the story as I it read long ago, a caliph toasting to an xtian nobleman was asked if drinking alcohol was even allowed for a moslem.
    The answer:
    “The quran literally states ‘the first drop thou shallt drink shall put thou into the eternal fire’. That is why I take care to always dip my finger in every glass, and shake that first drop onto the ground. Then I can safely drink the rest of that glass”…..

  64. Son of Glenner says:

    FreeFox: I’ve just read that “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman has been made into a TV series, to fill the slot left vacant by “Game of Thrones” not being ready. I’m planning to read the book myself, on the strength of your extract.

  65. dr John de Wipper says:

    On the story of the first drop:
    There is chemical reality in it, when considering distilled drinks. (remember: destillation was develloped around those times in Arabia).
    The (small) first portion of destillate of fermented stuff is mainly methanol, which REALLY is quite unhealthy!

  66. dr John de Wipper I’m pretty sure you are aware that first portion of fermented stuff, the head, must be discarded before the distillation continues. If it isn’t, the more volatile and less desirable distillate mixes in with the good stuff, the heart, and simply creates the mother of all hangovers, plus a harsh taste. Dipping a finger into the glass and shaking off a drop is going to do nothing at all to remove the methanol, though I suppose it has symbolic value.

  67. dr John de Wipper says:

    Maybe I AM aware.
    Way back in the past I graduated Delft University as a chemist….

  68. helperone says:

    Mr. of Sagan, nice play, old man.
    I’m the BadGuy.

  69. FreeFox says:

    Ooh. Catfights. Do go on, Dr. John and helperone, I love it.

    @Son of Glenner: It’s a good book. Definitely worth the read. Dunno about the TV series. Ian McShane, Peter Stormare, and Gillian Anderson are always a treat, but from what I have seen, they made it too glossy, too fantastic, and everybody is way too good looking (also, Kristin Chenoweth is way too skinny to play Easter.) The whole point of the story was to me that it was set in the ordinary world, and all the Gods and Goddesses had to make do like the rest of us. Drive in around in beat up cars, wear the apron and silly hat for the bad paying job, live in run down apartment blocks… so colour me sceptical.

    But please let me know what you think of the book.

    Oh, and to all of you from fellow NATO countries, was nice to have known you, but I think you really should kick this country out ASAP before our new Sultan drags you all into some crazy war. As a rule, one should limit oneself to one unhinged proto-fascist megalomaniac per strategic partnership, eh? And the Trump got there first.

  70. dr John de Wipper, I get the feeling my tone was somehow offensive when I added my two cents worth about distillation. That was not my intention. My experience with distillation consists of one batch of double distilled (as opposed to bathtub, which is merely spiced vodka) gin under the supervision of my son, who also is a chemist. I can never resist showing off the little knowledge I have on a subject.
    Cheers, and another virtual pint on me, mate.

  71. dr John de Wipper says:

    No offence taken. Maybe I was showing off a bit.
    To make sure, some more of that.
    Methanol does more than just create the mother of all hangovers.
    Not so very much is needed to induce blindness, just a little more for dementia, and the next dose will be lethal.
    How’s that for some hangover, eh?

    And cheers to you too; have anything of your liking on me.

  72. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    dr John, your mention of Delft brought back memories of some of the best pieces of 18th/19th century pottery I’ve ever had the privilege of owning (and selling for some handsome profits!). Some of the tulip vases produced there were among the most architectually technical pots ever made and there are several examples in the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. Sadly, most of the Delft output of the last 50 years or so is just generic tourist ware, but the early stuff can be truly mouth-watering….well, to a potaholic such as I, anyway.

  73. FreeFox says:

    Sheesh you guys. Worst catfight evva.

  74. Acolyte of Sagan says:

    This old dog doesn’t fight cats, FreeFox. It has been known to eat a few, however.

  75. WalterWalcarpit says:

    A bit late to the party, I am, but brilliant strip, Author.
    A good morning laugh out loud for me.

  76. WalterWalcarpit says:

    I agree with the t-shirt potential of the third panel.
    And I agree also with FreeFox’s warning from the latest contender for the caliphate.
    And I enjoy the rest of the banter; the knowledge that you reprobates are reliably providing entertainment in the Cock & Bull any time I swing by quite simply helps my world to keep turning.
    Happy Crusiversary, everyone.
    A round of Chocolate Egg Nog on me.

  77. In the bosom of the Nile,
    Enigmatic Cruciphile,
    Beckoned Pharoah’s unseen hand,
    Promising the Promised land

  78. samhuff says:

    “titbit” A small sample of a tit.

  79. smee says:

    Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.


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