How to do wudu.

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Discussion (41)¬

  1. Grindlay says:

    Hope Mo didn’t follow through.

  2. JMo says:

    If I had to take another shower every time I farted I wouldn’t leave the shower. Anyway what is that thing that looks like a “beak” on ol’ Mo.

  3. Nickopotamus says:

    Hahaha, I love this one. I remember the first time a Muslim friend told me about that. We were at a rugby tournament, so he hadn’t done his ablutions for around eight hours. Apparently it was ok because he hadn’t had any bodily functions in that time – I was amazed that as a guy he’d been able to refrain from farting for that long!

  4. duchessa says:

    His nose, I think.
    I didn’t know of this ritual. How do they find the time?

  5. Umberto says:

    You wonder where they find all that water (Arabia, Sahara, all deserts) or do you think they spent all the water?

  6. Matt Oxley says:

    i hope there is one coming up thursday re: hebrew law

  7. Haha. I never thought of it that way. Yeah, as a child born in a muslim family, I had to do a lot of little things, like eat with my right hand and wipe my bottom with my left. Or else I couldn’t pray or touch (yes, just touch) the Quran.

    And oh, after sex, we have to do a compulsory shower to do these things. Not that I was even allowed sex. It also applies to having wet dreams. Basically any form of ejaculation, and you’re impure.

    The lowdown is, right is pure, left is filth. Something like that, basically.

    Old times..

  8. GingerDavid says:

    I love that wudu that you do so well!

  9. barney says:

    SILENCE! I keel you!

  10. Godless not gormless says:

    Grindlay ,

    Mo did follow through. Many times, but always from his mouth.

  11. Rob A says:

    How much woo would a weirdo do if a weirdo could do wudu?

  12. MrGronk says:

    All that faffing about must cost Muslim societies a lot in time wasted. Call it Wudu economics.

  13. Daoloth says:

    Jasonbiggskills- very interesting points. I wonder how things would have been diferent for Islam if toilet paper had been available! The rightness of right (rectitude, righteouness etc) is built into the language while the wrogness of left (sinister etc) emphasises that lefties are to be treated with suspicion- perhaps because they have shit all over their hands?

  14. Paul says:

    But, wud u?

  15. andrea says:

    its such a good job I’m not a muslim. I often have problems telling my left from my right and have to stop and think about it. It’s problem enough driving but the whole eating and toilet thing would make it even worse!

  16. Ah, toilet paper. Ten years ago I wouldn’t know what to do with one.

  17. Funnily enough, some of the Muslims I know are absolutely confused with the concept of toilet paper

  18. I just remembered something 😀

    If you can’t find water for wudu (for example, you’re in a desert) or for some reason water can’t touch your skin, you can use sand or dust. I’m not even kidding.

    This is supposed to be hygienic :S

  19. Shoaib says:

    Actually, toilet paper isn’t a Muslim thing, it’s a Western one.

    Most Indians, Hindu, Muslim, Animist or whatever, wouldn’t use paper to wipe up. They’d wash up. I, personally, find using paper a bit wierd too.

    Btw, why are we discussing this?

  20. Adrian says:

    Bravo Two Zero (First Gulf War): SAS soldiers deep within Iraq get seen by a local Iraqi. SAS soldier tries to brazen it out by waving at the Iraqi… with his left hand. Iraqis start shooting…

  21. Jerry w says:

    So if some kid has trouble remembering which direction is right or which is left, they could just sniff their fingers?

    I think that sinister is from Latin and deals with the left side. And if memory serves, in heraldry the diagonal bar that starts in the upper left side and goes to the lower right represents evil, I think it’s called something like Bar Sinister, whereas the opposite angle (lower left to upper right) is called Bar Pursang, something about purity. Of course, I’ve eaten a lot of acid since I learned about that stuff, so it might be all just so much flashback nonsense.

  22. tie says:

    I’m left handed and an atheist, I guess I’m the worst kind of kuffar there is.

    check this nutter on youtube saying how he is a good muslim and cursed by left handedness so he eats while seating on his left hand to make sure he only uses the correct hand.

    check at the end the proverb about sucking your fingers, precious stuff.

    he says, “you use your left hand to eat and you claim to hate satan?” lol


    click on the link, you will thank me.

  23. GingerDavid says:

    The Romans used vinegar-soaked sponges on the end of sticks to clean up, if I recall correctly.

  24. Jerry W: Yeah. The latin word for left is sinestra.

  25. Jerry w says:

    Note the photo at the bottom of an Arab that knew what he held in his left hand:


  26. JMo says:

    I am sure that there has been an unfortunate soul who by accident lost his right hand and surely did not starve to death. But was probably stoned to death for continuing to eat with his left. Gotta love the Arab view point….

  27. JoJo says:

    But what wudu would Jesus wudu???

  28. Daoloth says:

    Tie- you were not lying! Good grief. I believe we may have moved beyond the possibility of satire here. What is alternately chilling and hilarious is that he is so utterly convinced of his righteousness. Thanks for that. A challenge to the author- can you make any more fun of this guy than he is doing for himself? A toughie- but if anyone can- you can!

  29. Don says:


    I seem to remember hearing that the whole (right) hand amputation as a punishment included being unable to eat communally – and therefore becoming a social out-cast.

  30. John The Geologist says:

    Tie – good post. I don’t think that is an islamic scholar (which is a contradiction in terms). I think it is James Randi taking the piss.

    I noticed that whilst the dingbat sat on his left hand to eat he did actually prepare his food with both hands. So you can smear turds all over your food during preparation but not when you are actually eating (presumably you give the shit encrusted bits to someone else).

    The same channel also put out the following:


    Which irrefutably proves that women have germier/stinkier piss than men. Allah told this to mo. The University of Baghdad proved it. Therefore this is incontrovertible proof that Allah exists. Fucking lunacy.

    When I worked in Saudi Arabia the guys wiped their arses with sand.

    Daoloth – re your 11.07 post. Cracking last line.

    And so true about bog paper. As with the ban on pork the magic mumbo jumbo book should say “wipe your arse with sand and don’t eat pork – UNTIL YOU HAVE INVENTED FRIDGES AND BOG PAPER YOU FUCKWIT!”. Mind you, the same could be said about Jews and shellfish/pork (just demonstrating impartiality here).

    Last moslem crap/defecation related ancedote. My mate Pierre was a French Greek combi who lived in Egypt. He could never work out why there were always footprints on the bog seat in western style toilets in Cairo. The locals used to stand on the seats and crap down the hole – so they sort of understood the process.

  31. Daoloth says:

    JMo- forget the unfortunates who lose their hands accidentally- its part of the point of judicial amputation (for theft say) to make you unclean. Not only is losing a hand a pretty nasty thing in any case but it also makes you a total social pariah in islam. Now can anyone confirm or deny the rumour that Abu Hamza (he of the hook hands) had someone to wipe his arse for him in prison?

  32. John The Geologist says:

    If I had a hook on the end of my arm instead of a hand I would want someone to wipe my arse !

  33. “The locals used to stand on the seats and crap down the hole – so they sort of understood the process.”

    Actually, shitting while sitting is awkward on the bowels. A crouch is a much better position. Healthier. And I find it more comfortable. It’s also more hygenic, as you’re not sharing a seat.


  34. One of them Christies! says:

    C’mon guys, you people have to remember when Islam came about – 7th Century. If anything Wudu was a positive thing for hundreds of years until more modern sanitary methods came about. Compare what the muslims did to what the Europeans did at the same time – explains the insanely different number of communicable diseases and plagues the Europeans suffered from. And if you don’t have water (as much of the Muslim world didn’t) you are allowed to use sand. No, the real problem is that Wudu (along with most religious rituals throughout the world), is that they haven’t accepted that such a thing as science, and the possibility of not believing in anything exists.

    But really guys, you need to learn a bit about religion before you go bash it, otherwise you sound just as ignorant as the Super-Christies and the Insanoslamists.

    Oh, and yes, I’m one of those believers, but that doesn’t mean I can’t doubt 😛

  35. Hindsight2020 says:

    You know what, I actually don’t need to learn anything about religion before I bash it. I don’t need a crash course in Scientology to know those people are nuts. I don’t need to learn what schizophrenics think the gov’t is beaming into their heads before I decide they’re crazy. Religionistas don’t bother to learn shit about science before they bash it, either.

    (I’ve studied most religions on the planet, looking for something that made sense. Never found it.)

  36. Andrew says:

    It’s the wudu who do what you don’t dare do


  37. Kalam says:

    the amount of time it takes to do wudu is hardly 2 minutes, and one can do it with around two cups of water, although many do use more than that which is wasteful.

    I’m surprised how anyone can call a Muslim ‘stinkin’ knowing how much care they take about personal hygiene, which is more than can be said for some…

  38. Toast in the machine says:

    …And I would be surprised how you can pretend anyone’s called muslim’s ‘stinkin’ when they haven’t. Except, in the context of your other equally dishonest trollish posts, it falls neatly into place.


  39. They have to wash EACH SIDE 3 times?? That IS obsessive-compulsive. This can also be seen in their desperate need to stop whatever they’re doing so they can pray five times a day to a rock in a box (i.e., the Kaaba). And they actually have the nerve to get offended because people make fun of them! What the hell do they expect? If they don’t want to be made fun of, they should stop having such funny beliefs.

  40. tanabe says:

    Silver Buttons says:
    April 25, 2009 at 12:43 pm
    “They have to wash EACH SIDE 3 times?? That IS obsessive-compulsive” –

    Acctually its only just 1 time ..3 time is “sunnah”.. if one wash his hand head leg 1 time is enuff..

  41. J. Doe says:

    all this talk of toilet paper, have you 2009s savages never heard of a bidet? disgusting


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