June 20th, 2012
Don’t forget, 50% of this month’s J&M book sales profits goes to the Senal Edamaruku defence fund.
Don’t forget, 50% of this month’s J&M book sales profits goes to the Senal Edamaruku defence fund.
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Big boy did it & ran away
Either Satan or “Not Me”.
Regardless, no single professor of faith, high or low, is ever at fault. It’s always another, usually a spook. Easier that way, I guess.
Cardinals, eh – where would we be without them.
Yay! Satan! Keep up the “good” work.
Yes but they’ve extended a formal apology for the sacking of Constantinople in 1204. So baby steps.
Jesus really should know better – Satan’s name in Hebrew means “Accuser.” If there’s something wrong, Satan should be the one to point it out!
The ongoing saga to besmirch
The reputation of one or another church
The heathens check their horoscope
Then say nasty things about the Pope
While living in a superstitious star spangled lurch.
I think I heard they apologized to Galileo too, but not to Bruno. Like you say, bay_dragon, baby steps. Great punch line again, Author. Caught me by surprise, as a great punch line should. I never would have guessed that it was Satan behind their problems.
Yes, Santa…Oh, I mean Satan. Yo Mo, are you kind? Pass the joint…
Is it carnal sin, or Cardinal sin?
in 1533 Galileo was convicted as “vehemently suspect of heresy” by the Inquisition, and threatened with torture (he was 68). He was required to “abjure, curse and detest” the heliocentric truth he had confirmed, his book was placed on the Prohibited Index, and he was kept under house arrest until he died.
in 1718 permission was granted for an edition of his works, excluding the condemned Dialogue.
In 1758 the general prohibition against works advocating heliocentrism was ended, although complete versions of Galileo’s Dialogue and Copernicus’s De Revolutionibus stayed banned.
In 1822 these works were finally dropped from the Index.
In 1992, just 459 years after the trial, Pope John Paul II expressed regret for how the Galileo affair was handled, and officially conceded that the Earth was not stationary, as revealed in scripture.
Note the spaces in this timeline – 185 years, 40 years, 64 years, 170 years. ‘baby steps’ indeed – if some brave Catholic starts a campaign to accept the nonexistence of Satan this week, we can expect some future Pope to admit, sometime around the year 2471, that yes, it was Jesus in drag all the time.
Good example of cognitive dissonance, i.e. mistakes may have been made, sure, but not by ME.
High praise for this one, not only for the smile it gave me, but because I must encourage you to make more like it that aren’t immediately offensive and, therefore, can be gotten through by the faithful. Any time you can welcome them to your point of view, then make it a logic-based discussion, you increase your chances of spreading the truth. Well done, well done.
Sensel, I really must protest on Author’s behalf. I have yet to see a strip here that stands out as ‘immediately offensive’, but please feel free to have a look through the archives. If you find an offensive one, point us in its direction, but remember to tell us why it’s offensive. Similarly, if you want to see logic-based discussions then I would invite you to ‘pick a strip, any strip’. In fact, just have a read through the comments on the previous 3 or 4 comics, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of rational and intelligent debate alongside the clever puns, witty one-liners and, unfortunately, Nassar’s ‘poetry’.
D’ya know, for a brief instant, I thought Mo was blaming Sagan. I did a double-take so violently I cricked my neck.
“Hello, Claims Direct? I received an injury whilst reading a cartoon about religion. Can I sue God, please”? 🙂
The devil made me do it, right?
I know so many who sincerely call on this one. Sure puts one’s conscience out of range, huh?
One final note on Galileo and Bruno. “Interestingly, however, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, later Pope Benedict XVI, raised objections to such revisionism (apologizing for the past mistakes of the one true faith – D.H.) on the grounds that the trial had allegedly been “reasonable and just”.” – from “Nonsense on Stilts” by Masimo Pigliucci.
Baby steps forward, and an occasional giant step back.
I should have tried the ‘someone else did it and ran away’ gambit as a naughty child.. Oh I did and my father saw right through the lie, as did I with my children. Shame the left footers are still so blind, along with the rest of the believers.
Given recent pronouncements by Pope Benny, Baroness Warsi and other religiious apologists, the punchline could alternatively, and equally stupidly, been “secularists”.
I really must complain about your cartoons.
a) not frequent enough
b) sometimes not offensive enough ( Sensei?)
c) not nearly frequent enough.
So let’s have more 🙂
Darwin Harmless, did you get my email the other day regarding failed comments on your site again?
Richardelguru, unfortunately dear Author has to pay the bills just like the rest of us, so time that would be better employed in amusing us is sadly taken up by the day job. We are just grateful that He still uses some of His precious free time for the benefit of us worthless heathens.
Nassar, a few minor points.
1) I think you’ll find that most of us heathens see astrology in the same light as phrenology and clairvoyancy.
2) What the hell does ‘star-spangled lurch’ mean?
3) It’s sad to see that your recent improvements, both in the poetry and the thinking, were only temporary.
4) You were at least right about the Pope.
Acolyte of Sagan, let me check and get back to you on that.
And NBH didn’t say anything right about the pope, he just said that we heathen say nasty things about the pope. So I call his contribution this time a total fail.
Acolyte of Sagan, problem solved. Thanks.
@richardelguru If you’ve not done so already … buy the books! 🙂
Then read one a day.
Looking at the discussions the last few weeks, some approaching paperback length, it’s probably just as well that J&M doesn’t come out more often – how would we ever keep up?
In any case I’ll take quality over quantity any time.
If you need a bigger fix, just raid the archive.
Thanks for that Darwin Harmless, I was beginning to feel that the little chaps and chapesses inside my computer (that’s how it works, isn’t it?) were trying to annoy me 🙂
Kev, maybe we should all buy the books, promote them wildly and turn them into best sellers. That way, Author would be rich enough to give up work and devote all of his time to us, his unworthy disciples.
“I dreamed a dream….”
Jesus and Mo are confused. These verses about the Flying Spaghetti Monster explain the true meaning of the universe and existence.
The Pastavad Gita
In the beginning before there was light, 1.0
His Noodlyness, the FSM burned bright. 1.1
With noodly appendages and two giant balls, 1.2
Appear the world and stars, he calls. 1.3
And lo! thus appeared the heavens and the skies 1.4
And all that in this noodly universe which flies 1.5
The sun, the moon and the earth, 1.6
Everything, all the universe, was given birth. 1.7
In appendage strings is it held together 1.8
Everything’s made to float happy like a feather 1.9
The sun and the planets resemble his balls 2.0
His divine appendages affirm nothing falls. 2.1
With his holy appendages all he holds 2.2
If ye believe in Gravity, ye shall be in hell’s flaming folds 2.3
Creation of Woman/Man
After the creation of the skies, his Noodlyness decides 2.4
Earth it shall be where life resides 2.5
He creates all creatures, the dino to bact. 2.6
And last of all he creates woman, to sign the pact. 2.7
First the FSM creates the woman 2.8
And out of her birth canal emerges the man 2.9
This is the way it shall always be 3.0
The one who claims otherwise shall answer to me 3.1
So before there was Adam, there was Eve 3.2
If ye don’t believe, ye shall receive the FSM’s hefty heave 3.3
Thy duty is to be joyful and party on Earth 3.4
And fill this round world with joy and mirth 3.5
Ye shall live your lives as pirates jolly 3.6
Veereest thou from that path, it is utter folly 3.7
Eat the good pasta thou shalt every day 3.8
And this command every pirate must obey 3.9
If thou veerest, thy judgment shall be 4.0
In pirate hell shall I condemn thee 4.1
This pact I have imposed on you 4.2
And if ye disobey, in the fires of hell ye shall stew 4.3
As confirmation of thy pact I shall brand 4.4
All your DNA like my noodly strand 4.5
And false evidence everywhere shall I put of evolution 4.6
But true believers know only I am the solution 4.7
Thus boomed the FSM to Eve and Adam 4.8
So they partied, and lots of children, they had ‘em 4.9
With the ingredients of the good earth they brewed beer 5.0
And as the FSM commanded, it would bring good cheer 5.1
So as pirates they lived, with strippers and the good beer 5.2
Much afraid of the FSM’s wrath, should they from the true path veer 5.3
But as time went by, people began to forget 5.4
And false gods, angels and prophets they did beget 5.5
First came Noah who by the pirates was smote 5.6
But then came Hari Krishnas in their boat 5.7
For years the chosen people did they persecute 5.8
Till all the true pirates became mute 5.9
The true ones were hunted and held in spite 6.0
That is why they chose to be out of sight. 6.1
False pirates were planted in perversion 6.2
To mislead believers and create blasphemous diversion 6.3
And finally this did incur the FSM’s wrath 6.4
For the people had forgotten their chosen path 6.5
Sent he war, quake, famine and flood 6.6
The whole earth to be covered with blood 6.7
Only when true pirates trembled and prayed, He gave a sign 6.8
And sent his Noodlyness to Earth, a prophet most benign 6.9
John Henderson was called he 7.0
If thy follow him, heaven is assured thee 7.1
Read his gospel, follow his truth and light 7.2
And after death ye shall see heaven’s true sight 7.3
Be thou male or female, goest thou to heaven 7.4
Volcanoes of beer, sexy strippers seventy seven 7.5
And as for the strippers of Bobby Henderson, 7.6
When he descendeth above, they’ll have the boobs of Pamela Anderson 7.7
So beware ye, the power of the FSM and repent 7.8
Live thy life a jolly pirate, a life well spent. 7.9
It’s always Satan.
The Pastavad Gita: Amen (with extra garlic) to that. 🙂
Said in the voice of Dana Carvey’s church lady character from Saturday Night Live…
Oh, I don’t know… Who could it be… SATAN!!!
See above.. I forgot to paste in the link…
@AoS: Huh? No, they are almost all intensely offensive. And unfairly onesided. And almost always true. That’s what makes them so great. Inoffensive humour is like soup without salt or sex with cumming. *rolls eyes at the idea of J&M being inoffensive* ^_^
# Inoffensive humour is like soup without salt or sex with cumming. #
*rolls eyes at hideous American mis-spelling of ‘coming’*
Surely, sex _without_ coming is ultimately frustrating and/or painful – isn’t that what you meant? Or do you just have some personal distatste for orgasms?
Naw Hotrags i Jus Rote Ona Mobil Fon An Stoopit Auto-Corrct Cut Of “-Out”. An For Ppl Ina 21ST Century Cum Is A Noo Word Seperet Frum COME. Cum Means Shoot JIzz An Come MEans Arrive Sumwere.
(I’m not a Spammer, not even remotely American, and not a member of the Ped’s j.o. circle) ^_^
1633 not 1533
Quite right, and thanks.
So far from ‘cum’ being a new word for 21st century people, it has now rather dated – it has been in use since the 1920’s, mostly among semi-literate pornographers who think every meaning of a sound needs a different spelling.
‘Come’ has meant both arrive and ejaculate for centuries, as it does with French ‘arriver’ and German ‘kommen’, and just like ‘go’ means both ‘leave’ and ‘function’ in English (‘I’m going again’ vs. ‘the car is going again’); the meaning is evident from the context.
Further evidence for it being a pointless mis-spelling is that it behaves exactly like ‘come’ grammatically, with the same form in present and perfect (I come/cum, I have come/cum) and an irregular simple past form, which is ‘came’ and not ‘cummed’. ‘Sex without coming’ only has one possible meaning; ‘sex without arriving’ does not compute.
Of course I wouldn’t accuse anyone of actually being American without formal proof of guilt, but the US is definitely the source of this sad spelling. As for ‘the Ped’s j.o. circle’, off topic or WTF?
Wow, really? Thou art linguistically still in the 19th century then?
I like “cum” for its small visual flourish (or maybe splatter). It just looks a little dirtier and less reputable than “come”. Like drawing a little skull for an i-dot or using a corroded font.
(“Ich komme” ist im Deutschen auch irgendwie viel fader als z.B. “mir kommts” oder “ich spritz ab”. “Mir kommt’s” kann auch noch kotzen – als “mir kommt’s hoch” – heißen, aber “abspritzen” wird im Gegensatz zum einfachen “spritzen” nur in dieser einen Bedeutung benutzt. Außerdem habe ich im Deutschen immer total bedauert, dass man anders als im Internet-Englisch nicht die Möglichkeit hat, so im Kleinen mit Worten zu malen.)
Personally it’s my feeling that no spelling in the world can be remotely as sad as bitching about it. And any club or society founded solely for its members to feel superior to others is about the pinnacle of sadness. So WTF maybe, but definitely not off topic…
I thought sex with out coming is okay. Isn’t it sex with out a climax that you want to avoid?
@Great Fuzzy – hmm, an aficionado of the sissy (a.k.a. “ruined”) cum? My man! ^_^
@FreeFox – the ‘sissy come’, not heard of that. Ruined? In my experience it wasn’t ruined, it was enhance – the second climax being better than the first. Not that I’m an expert, it happened for me by chance, I suppose. I’m told you can achieve it after some practice. Personally I’m not that bothered, I’m getting too old and prefer a pint of ale, I don’t need practice to manage a second pint :-). Brings another meaning to the second coming!
I stand corrected on the German, vielen dank, and it was I who was off-topic. The pedantry (OK, now I get it…) was an afterthought, I wasn’t trying to lay down a rule, I’ve just never liked it, probably for the same explicit splatter that you enjoy.
It’s not something I feel superior about, rather I’m aware that fussing about this kind of thing makes me look hopelessly boring and out of touch, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be part of any group getting their jollies that way; sorry if I gave that impression.
Hotrats, re. ” and I certainly wouldn’t want to be part of any group getting their jollies that way; sorry if I gave that impression”; but…you specifically requested membership! 🙂
FreeFox, you are incorrigible (or more accurately ‘encourageable’). And the ‘Ped’s j.o. circle’? Cum now, you know the pedantry here is conservative only in its frequency of use. C’mon Hotrats, you’re getting UPOTWA a bad reputation!
But to get to my point, FreeFox, the truth may sometimes hurt, it may be harsh or embarrasing, liberating or incarcerating, ugly or beautiful, boring or fascinating; but truth can never be offensive.
By the way, I seem to be touching a few nerves on 1087/1088 on asboj. And I’m being ever so nice. Really.
I didn’t join UPOTWA to feel a smug glow of superiority, just to occasionally cross swords with likeminded nitpickers who like to keep each other on their toes. In this case I wasn’t pursuing pedantry, just venting steam about a personal dislike. Whether I like it or not, ‘cum’ is an established usage, even if these days it is hardly ever seen outside porn sites.
Wait, so if I say Satan made me atheist, Christians are totally going to understand, right?
Hotrats, I was only joking. And I feel the same way about the infernal Kindle’ machine as you feel about the spelling of the word ‘cum’, so I understand your frustration completely. I bet FreeFox’s sudden swith to perfect German gave you a shock though. Fancy making that veiled suggestion that he might be American!
Scylla, I’m afraid not! They’re going to say that they don’t believe in the devil as a real person anymore (unless they’re part of the R.C clergy or a Southern Baptist), and that you are just trying to deflect the blame for your own personal heresy onto a myth. They won’t let you turn the argument back onto them though, because (stamp feet here) “God’s real and Jesus wants ME for a sunbeam, you hereticical bastard, and you’d better believe or you’ll burn forever in Hell; which is real even if Satan isn’t”!
Or something like that. 🙂
Hotrats – don’t stop, don’t stop. I enjoy your pedantry. You have taken the art to a whole new level even for J and M. You make the rest of us look completely amateurish by comparison.
But . . . I actually prefer Free Fox’s distinction between ‘come’ and ‘cum’. The truth/correct should never get in the way of artistic license.
@hotrats: Sorry if I snapped a bit too harshly. I was having an exceedingly bad day. I can’t see any joy in formal language nitpicking as opposed to arguing about content, but that is just me. So, by all means, keep nitpicking, if it makes you happy. Cheerio, mate! ^_^
Author, I’m having problems. On the home page it says there are 47 posts but when I get to them it says there are 45, and that’s all I can see (haven’t counted them). I think it’s probably at my end (since I cleared a load of history out of my browser lately). I’ve tried refresh to no avail. Any ideas?
Of course the above post forced my browser to go to the correct page!
@theGreatFuzzy – It is a persistant problem I have with the caching software. Caching is absolutely essential WordPress, otherwise the site would be painfully slow to load – but I have yet to find the ideal solution. Sorry. It’s a bug we’ll just have to put up with until that ideal solution comes along. 🙁
Author, it’s seems okay now. I’ll bear in mind what you said, thanks.
GreatFuzzy, I have the same problem sometimes. Ass you’ve seen, posting a new comment sorts it out, but you don’t know whether you’re repeating somebody else. I’ve found the best solution is to click ‘Random Comic’ at the top of the page and leave a comment on an old thread, then click ‘Last’ and it’s done. And you get to re-visit the classics 🙂
And as(s) I keep forgetting, there’s no edit facility, so one’s silly typo’s remain for all to laugh at 🙁
@ AoS – Freudian slip, perhaps 🙂
HaggisFor Brains, it was his area of expertise. Or am I being assinine (sic)?
Thanks for the tip AoS(S). It seems to be working okay just now, but it’s handy to know.
Was WordPress written by the same guys who wrote RBS’s software!?
I am not a spammer? It’s a bleeding dropped spanner that’s causing the problem just now 🙂
My pleasure, GreatFuzzy. And the best bit is, it matters not which random cartoon one lands on; it’s always a good ‘un. Superfluous S’s or not.
I think I ought to clarify that my comment above, re. area of expertise, was referring to Freud. Phew! That could have been nasty 🙂
I read recently that a Catholic church enquiry into clerical child abuse found that it was the fault of the permissive atmosphere of the 60s.