Many thanks to today’s guest script writer, Chief Rabbi, Lord Sacks.
Hmm – a new Mayflower. Sounds like a great idea for a Kickstarter project.
gay penguins….I love it
Of course we all know that the people on the Mayflower – and a lot of the others that came across around then – weren’t so much interested in religious freedom as they were in establishing their own rigid, authoritarian theocracies.
Love it! J&M 4evr!!!
To be fair to Lord Sacks, he’s in England, so the obvious place for a new Mayflower to go would be the same place the original one went. At least for people looking for the religious freedom to be extreme Christians. Mo and friends have some pretty good options too. I guess to maximise religious freedom you’d need a Cruise Mayflower that visits all sorts of hideous backwaters so you can disembark at the religious extremism of your choice.
I’m not sure where you’d get off if you want to be an atheist extremist though.
Is the tag “Chief Rabbi Lard Socks” intentional…?
Run away to the pole, where it’s freezin’
Lookin’ for freedom of speakin’.
If our trio of prophets
Look at a slight loss it’s
Gay sea-birds that have ‘em all freakin’.
I’ve got a feeling that this may only work here in the UK, but here goes…
Is it p-p-p-perverted to p-p-p-pick up a penguin?
The separation of church and state in the west
There is no debate, it is best
spewing hatred that drools.
Have become an invasive pest.
That bigots fuck off overseas
Is a prospect that cannot but please
But exporting religion is
Unfair on indigenes
So send ‘em some place where they’ll freeze
“Unfair on indigenes”
Indigenes? Wasn’t he a Greek philosopher?
Weren’t the folks on the Mayflower uber-religious? I’d think the trio would be happy with that lot.
I doubt they would. The Pilgrim Fathers weren’t so much escaping religious persecution as seeing an opportunity to create their own autocracy. Jesus, Mo and Mo would’nt be welcome, not with their love of telling others how to live their lives.
So sticking it to penguins it is then!
Just remembered a corker.
What’s white, prone to mood swings and goes both ways?
A bi-polar bear.
And Mr Gronk wins an internet.
I think the bartender’s answer was weak.
I would have preferred something along the lines of pointing out that the freedom to persecute others is the kind of thing people need to escape from.
Oh god I haven’t laughed so much in ages – once I followed the link and saw Rabbi Sachs really did say that! You don’t even need to make this stuff up – they do it all by themselves! LOL!
C’mon Daz, if you’re giving Mr. Gronk an internet, surely Nassar deserves a little something for his improvement and extra effort this term!
I think Moses should have had a line in the final scene too, something along the lines of “Shit, check out the dwarf nuns”!
I’ll just leave this here…
excellent @mr gronk. Setting a new standard in dodgy doggerel, Nassar Ben has a fight on his hands now!
Lines 3 and 4 are a bit of a mouthful but I can now recite your educational rhyme fluidly to my children.
Is it true that the Mayflower pilgrims found that one of their number was having sex with a cow and hung him… and the cow? I wouldn’t know where to look.
It was a bull.
And it was already well hung.
Thanks Acolyte of Sagan, I like my beef hung for at least three weeks so that’s fine!
@author Thanks for this one. Please ignore those who wish to elaborate your punch lines. It’s your economical surgical precision I most admire. @steelypip thanks for those gay penguins. Very interesting, not to mention hysterically funny.
Mo’s right, some of those penguins are gay, which is why I laughed so hard. Thanks!
Acolyte of Sagan
Hmm. All I’m going to say on that is that Mr Gronk’s was best, and mine was worst. Don’t want it going to NBH’s head, after all…
I believe that the Mayflower’s second cargo was slaves?
Are we really are making this country somewhere where the religious bigots feel unwelcome? I have a funny feeling inside. Never had a feeling like this before. Could it be…patriotism?
Nah, its probably just gas–but it would nice if it were true.
If homophobic bigots want to sod off I say its time we got back down to Plymouth–like freethinkers probably did in the 17th century–and wave them goodbye. “Go and be America, nutters! Fail to enjoy yourselves!”
Sacks and the rest of the homophobes won’t be going anywhere. He is just completely full of wind. I’m not sure but I think he might be another one, along with Murphy O Connor, who has implied that atheists are only partly human.
Acolyte of Sagan:
Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.
As for the exodus plan, maybe instead of a new Mayflower, we can sell them on the idea of a B Ark. It worked out well for the Golgafrinchans, didn’t it?
Penguins, you mean like those women in black with white trim? Those were my teachers in grade school!
Society keeps confusing religion with knowing and obeying Jesus! With Jesus, you are free wherever you are! No need to go anywhere – JUST DO NOT confuse a BELIEF (religion) with A RELATIONSHIP! Let the Lord Speak to you http://www.yesumob.com
Let us get to know Jesus – forget religion!
“Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.”
Nice one. That kind of deep had to come from a mathamatician, right?
Q. How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. You don’t change a light bulb, you change a dark one.
Talking of lightbulbs and religion… many years ago, as a young teenager I read somewhere that physicists at MIT were looking for “physics jokes”, so I (made up) and sent them this:
Q: how many Gods does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one in theory, but look what happened last time He tried!
They wrote back saying they didn’t get it I was crushed, I tell you, crushed. (For anyone here that doesn’t either, I’ll give you a clue: bang, flash.) Sigh.
@Mutinda Kisio And you get to know Jesus how? You say “obeying” Jesus. Just how do you get His orders?
@everybody. Oops. Feeding a troll again. I went to the website. Just more of the same babbling nonsense. Makes about as much sense as joining Elvis behind Halle-Bopp.
Q: how many Gods does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, believers prefer to be kept in the dark.
Don’t give up yet Sir, you never know, one day one of them might actually come back with a sane, logical answer…………….but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
And I really don’t like troll-ism. It was that Billy Goat Gruff that got them the bad name, but who wouldn’t get grumpy with those cloven hooves trip-trip-trapping back and forth over your bedroom 24/7?
I propose that forthwith, interweb ‘trolls’ are renamed ‘goats’. They swallow any old shit, spend their lives bleating away, and are nothing more than puffed up sheep!
@DH (again). I’m trying to figure out whether having a RELATIONSHIP (as per the godbot above) with a guy who, even if he had lived, died 2000 years ago, would count as necrophilia?
Just had a thought relating to the comic…..
You know that nutter from the Netherlands who wants to bring his ark to London? Well I say “Yes”, and when he gets here we can stuff as many of the pious on as possible and wave them goodbye.
From my limited knowledge i thought that yahweh sent his laws as a set of rules only for the sons of israel. there’s nothing in the old testament that says that the laws given to the jews apply universally. The idea that god’s laws apply equally to everyone is a christian then muslim invention. Just check that mutinda kisio if you know What i mean.
Jude, not the best question to ask a godbotherer.
Don’t forget that these loons believe that all of us are descended from Adam, and that Christ himself would have been Jewish. They’re clever these religious folks. I am beginning to think that their bibles are deliberately chock full of contradictions so that, whatever the circumstances they will always have the definitive word of god on the matter.
@Acolyte of Sagan. Would it count as necrophilia? Maybe. Anyway, sounds very gay to me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (thanks Jerry).
I never believed the pilgrim story – I think they were asked to leave for being too prudish and uptight.
I wonder how different the world would be today if, instead of being puritanical religidiots, the pilgrims had been free-thinkers, leaving England to start a new nation based on reason rather than submission. For starters I’d wager that there’d have been no wholesale slaughter of the ‘untamed savages’.
As we are into antarctic jokes.
The seven Dwarfs have an audience with the pope, after a while one of them asks if there are any nuns in Antarctica, to which His Holiness replies no, the Dwarfs continue to press him on the point till old Benedict starts to get a little annoyed, “I tell you I’m infallible and there are no nuns that far south, and what are you little twats laughing about”.
Dwarfs in unison “Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin”.
It’s reported that Moses had great success in picking up female penguins by saying “Do I like you? Honey, I’m nuts over you.”
O.k., yet another visual joke that doesn’t work as well in print.
Polar Humor v2.0
A penguin thought his car’s transmission wasn’t shifting properly, so he went to a repair shop. The mechanic said he would need some time to put the car up on the lift to find what the problem was. The penguin walked off to a nearby cafe to wait. When the penguin returned the mechanic said “Jesus, it looks like you blew a seal”. The penguin wiped off his mouth and said, “nope, it’s just ice cream, and my name’s not Jesus”.
How cool to see Rabbi Sacks contributing here.
It has occured to me that JS’s persecution complex is similar to the claims by Christians that the BBC is bombarding them with tons of atheist propaganda. This is despite the fact that the BBC has a whole department dedicated to religion and more religion, daily broadcasts thought for the day, pause for thought and prayer for today, all of which are predominantly Christian and, in any case, have a total ban on atheists taking part. In trying to make their case these people cited shows that involved Richard Dawkins. The fact that these shows were actually broadcast by Channel Four presumably wasn’t relevant.
Penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman “I’m looking for my brother, have you seen him?”
“Dunno,…… what’s he look like?”
Isn’t ‘religious freedom’ one of life’s great oxymorons?
Love the ‘blown seal’ Jerry. Reminded me of the time many (oh, so many) years ago when my brother came down for breakfast and mum told him he had toothpaste round his mouth, and I suggested that maybe he’d just pleasured the dog.
I’d never seen my mum vomit before!
Anyway, enough waffling. I thought I’d blow the dust of this old groaner:
Q: Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?
A: ‘Cos they can’t get the wrappers off.
Mutinda Kisio sounds like a ronin Jesus-worshipper. No religion, just all mission.
fenchurch, What is a “ronin Jesus-worshipper”? ALL I know is that – I am a True follower of Jesus Christ. I know him and he knows me. I am an ambassador of the Kingdom of God and I have set out to serve him earnestly WITH everything that I have got.
I must build the Kingdom of God through bringing new souls to Jesus. As Christians, we should live and breathe for one purpose ONLY – to share the GOSPEL with the maximum number of people by every means possible.
That is what I have set out to do. May Jesus Bless You.
As I routinely point out to the anti-science, anti-tech greenie tree-huggng set, the best way to stop Man from killing baby seals on Earth is to move Man offworld. No human on Mars, no distantly-related cultural descendant on the fourth world of a star in the Lesser Magellanic can club a baby seal on Earth.
The best way to protect “the environment” is to lift Humanity off the planet.
The greenies never get the point.
They are fundamentally opposed to technology. Tech bad, tech satanic.
I have made the same point to religionists. If the Mormons, for example, had entire star systems to play with, they could do whatever they liked within them with no one to censure them. Some religions have the money to get man offworld, but none has the imagination. Not even when the obvious advantages are pointed out to them at great length in short words.
Religions all seem to be anti-science, even the religions of “environmentalism”. This consistency, the drive to make Earth the grave of Man and not the cradle of an infinite, eternal and ubiquitous civilisation strikes me as very short-sighted and self-injurious if not suicidal.
Religions are strange.
Oh, yes. Merry Christmas to everyone. And may you all have a happy and peaceful, prosperous and magical New Year.
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