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July 21st, 2009
J&M’s Facebook group has disappeared. Anyone know anything about that?
Update At ease. It’s back.
Discussion (47)¬
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All Gods Hate Bacon. It’s not just Yahweh & Allah. Check out how many Gods cant stand pigs. Jesus was a bit neither here nor there with em. He would send demons into them , sure. But he allowed his followers to eat them. So his mates said. Instead Jesus Hates Figs.
True, but it misses one vital point .
All the holy texts (and I use the words lightly) have had the following sentence erased by religionistas:
“Thou shalt not consumeth any part of the animal that is the pig for verily it is unclean and wallows in rank places. Until thou has invented the fucking fridge”
“…and that goes DOUBLE for shellfish!”
¿What if god is a giant cosmic pig? And he was just trying to save his true followers… We are all doomed!
I still see a Facebook group. I just joined it.
Interesting that a totally natural thing like a thunderstorm is interpreted as a message from God. I would have thought that if thunder and ligthning were involved it might have something to do with Thor.
It has occured to me that a religion that forces adherants to abstain from broad beans and chickpeas might have potential.
Are there ever other customers in the bar apart from J&M&Moses? It must be more “prophetable” than profitable. And hard work for Barmaid too – it must be like having the Jehovah’s Witlesses call around every night.
God doesn’t hate pork. He just loves bacon soooo much he wants it all for himself.
Seems a bit wierd that any diety who created the whole frickin’ universe would have included something we were not supposed to eat. I mean is it in any religious text that we shouldn’t shouldn’t eat cactus, poisin ivy, hemlock, etc.
@ Chiaroscuro : That would mean that Pink Flyod would be like the holiest band in the world….
@John Moore
“That would mean that Pink Flyod would be like the holiest band ”
I’d certainly go along with that.
@john the geologist: actually that verse is not missing.
Leviticus 11 contains a menagerie of creatures to be ‘detested’ by god’s chosen:
” 7 And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. 8 You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you. … 10 But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales—whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water—you are to detest. 11 And since you are to detest them, you must not eat their meat and you must detest their carcasses. 12 Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be detestable to you. 13 ” ‘These are the birds you are to detest and not eat because they are detestable: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, 14 the red kite, any kind of black kite, 15 any kind of raven, 16 the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, 17 the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, 18 the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, 19 the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. [b] 20 ” ‘All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. 21 There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. 22 Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper. 23 But all other winged creatures that have four legs you are to detest. ”
Makes sense doesn’t it!!
… I mean, they’re detestable, aren’t they?
This is one of the main reasons why I’m an atheist, I love chewing on bits of dead pig. If most religions forbid the eating of pigs, the only conclusion I can come to is that God is a pig, a divine swine!
“And the Brussels sprout is unclean for you, for truly it is on the menu in hell. Cabbage is to be detestable to you unless it is lightly steamed, for boiled cabbage is an abomination unto the Lord. Anything from Asda’s frozen section you are to detest and not to eat, and Lidl and Iceland, for it is the food of the chav and is forbidden to you. Nor will you go unto the Little Chefs and the other eating places of the motorways and partake of their all-day fried breakfasts; these are to be detestable to you.”
“And hard work for Barmaid too – it must be like having the Jehovah’s Witlesses call around every night.”
You got that right.
hehe BRILLIANT work @Mr Gronk.
@Sarge084 – you’re entirely correct, he is a pig of a god. A god with a swinish personality does seem to be consistent with the universe we inhabit. Perhaps the FSM devotees should be redirecting their worship towards a flying pig?
I still have difficulty understanding why Leviticus asserts that grasshoppers are ok but presumably moths are not. Also it implies that insects have four legs, suggesting god’s chosen either couldn’t count or were not particularly observant.
The last box really does sum it up so well.
Damn that Leviticus, just when I was thinking “gosh, I really could go for a nice fried owl right about now”.
But, but… God’s chosen didn’t write the bible.
He did, himself. Otherwise it wouldn’t be the inspired, inerrant, infallible word of God, would it? That means it is God who can’t tell a bat from a bird or count the legs of an insect. That is, unless the prohibition was in place before the humans invented writing and by that time, they couldn’t get close enough to look, or at least, admit to it.
There’s a reason somewhere why the holy texts of an Iron Age tribe contain not a single piece of scientific knowledge which had not already been discovered by humans. Could it be their all powerful god is only a bit of wishful thinking? An invisible friend, such as any child might invent?
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So I know Mo doesn’t believe Jesus is God, but why does Jesus talk as if God is someone else? Is it that He’s suffering a really bad case of cognitive dissonance and can’t keep track of being two or three people all at the same time?
Ah, the self-referential selfobsessed funda-nut. It’s remarkable how a thunderstorm could flood whole parts of the country, cause thousands of people trouble, but it all happened because Mo nibbled a bit of pork scratching. And then they say that atheists are full of themselves.
Spoing
You are quite correct and thank you for pointing that out. I did realise I had mis-spokenised myself when I looked at it afterwards.
It was only the second sentence that had been erased form scripture: obviously not the first or they would all be eating bacon sandwiches by now.
What evil malicious bastard of a deity denies his flock pork pies, crackling, hot dogs and all the other wonderful oinky byproducts. Malevolent fucker.
Mr Gronk
You can get a pretty decent breakfast in some Little Chefs as the few that remain seem to have tried to get their act together. Naturally said breakfast will include large amounts of piggy products. Bacon, sausages, black pudding – mmmmmmmm. They are very light on Screech Owl pie though.
Do Jehovahs Witlesses eat black pudding or does it violate their blood proscription bollox. I never did ask my halfwit mother in law.
Blondie
As an ardent atheist I would much rather be full of myself (and smoked and cured processed pork products) than full of shit like most religionists.
I frickin’ love this site.
and all manner of sweet and delicious things will be detestable to you. They cause the hips to swell and the belly to stop fitting in thy jeans. Verily this also goes for bacon and egg sandwiches.
Beware J&M ye blasphemers lest the swine flu befall ye … presumably the latest wrath of his nibs the almighty flying pig ….
My problem with consuming hot dogs isn’t because of the pork content,
it’s because those ground up tumors are too chewy, and the eyelashes
will often get stuck in my throat. This justifies paying a bit more for
Hebrew National, because as they say “we answer to a higher authority”,
and of course you have to factor in that lightning thing.
Strangely enough, it seems that Jesus was skeptical about religion comandments about food (Matthew 15 1-20; Mark 7 1-23). In the quoted passages Jesus dismiss critics about the feeding behaviour of his disciples, particularly not washing hands before eating. Look at this Christian website (http://www.sundayschoollessons.com/pen12kles.htm) to find a rationale about that. Spanish Inquisition used to persecute people because of washing their hand before eating accusing them as Judaizers. Personally I do not need religion to wash my hands before cooking or eating. Microbiology is a very good reason to do it.
Talking of which…
The talk of divine swine reminds me of one of my favourite swear-words in Italian, porco dio, literally god’s a pig, used as we’d say godammit.
Didac, if you do wash your hands before eating, make sure you don’t use holy water. http://unreasonablefaith.com/2009/07/20/but-if-its-holy-water/
JonnieCannuk, I think that you will find that the concept of the trinity was something that was just made up and then became an official bit of Christianity by the simple expedient of brutally murdering anyone who thought that it was a stupid idea.
On the subject of Pink Floyd, I generally find them too miserable and depressing to listen to but make an exception for the Dark Side of the Moon which is excellent and sums up the meaning of life better than any holy book. I am ashamed to say that it took me several decades to work out that the intro with the heartbeat and the ” awah awah awah” was about being born. When it comes to Prog Rock I prefer ELP and when it comes to Baroch I prefer JSB.
@John: God’s all about sticking yummy things in front of us and then telling us we can’t have them. Otherwise why did he include that Knowledge Tree in the Garden of Eden?
@Spoing: God thinks there are insects and winged creatures that walk on “all fours”?? God apparently skipped biology class.
Do you suppose that it’s called “holy water” because Jebus used it to wash his hands and feet after the crucifiction nails were removed?
I’m just saying…….
@heidi, not only did he skip bio classes, this god was at some point labouring under the delusion that snakes have legs. “So the LORD God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, “Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and dust you will eat all the days of your life.”
The snake (the real villain of the piece) gets sentenced to crawling – wow that must have hit him hard being a snake!
Meanwhile the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE (despite their complete innocence) get sentenced to agonizing pain during childbearing, hard labour, and crap food for the rest of eternity.
But hey there’s God’s loving justice for you!
In Hinduism, God came to earth nine times (and the tenth visit is pending) – each time in a different “Avatar” (yes, that’s the origin of the word, meaning “divine incarnation”). One of those nine Avatars was … wait for it .. wait for it.. a Pig!
In Sanskrit/Hindu mythology, it’s called “Varahavatar” (varaha+avatar). Varaha means wild boar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varaha
There you go- “proof” that god is a pig. Or a boar. Or a bore. Whatever.
Urmensch, I’m sure I speak for many here when I say thanks for the new swear word; I’ll add it to my daily ranting. Porco dio!
I imagine “all fours” is a clumsy translation of “in crawling posture” rather than people of the time being unable to count.
Aww dammit, Author. Now my afternoon is shot to hell with reading all those.
@ravenblack, you’re should just count yourself lucky there’s a proscription on eating your species also. The text says “But all other winged creatures that have four legs you are to detest. ” – clearly implying that the author believed that the aforementioned beasties have four, not six, legs.
@Spoing
“23 But all other winged creatures that have four legs you are to detest.”
Dammit! I could really go a tasty gryphon steak about now. Or a pegasus flank. Mmmm, pegasus flank.
Funny how the right to consume pig and other dogdy bits became a major perk of being Xtian in the New Testament. It would certainly have opened it up to the masses. Was it all planned by the Judaean pork producers collective?
@ spoing: “… 22 Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper. … ”
What is a ‘katydid’ called in the bible?
Bodach,
I’m glad you like it. It was worth learning Italian just for the swearing alone. No one can blaspheme like the Italians, it is an art form.
@maggs … a katydid was, and remains, a katydid (sorry don’t know the original Hebrew) – my quote was verbatim vintage Leviticus. I’m sure they’re as crunchy and nutritious now as they were then.
IIRC, Robert Graves in ‘The White Goddess’ posits that religious and social taboos grew from special exceptions to the rule, ie the pig, for example, was a proto-Judaic sacred animal that could only be consumed during particular ceremonies/rituals, and then only by prescribed persons. In proposing this, Graves really only takes Frazer’s ‘The Golden Bough’ a step further, as much of the analysis of taboos is present in that author’s study. Supposedly, taboos developed to prevent an act or object of ritual significance from becoming mundane and losing its psychological power. Like the taboo on peeping behind the curtain in the palace of the Wizard of Oz. Just throwing that in so that readers can see that some people believe the list of prohibited foods might actually have been a list of sacred foods at one time.
Re:Intelligent Designer
Rather like that prohibition on mixing meat and milk the Jews have, traced to a verse about not seething the flesh of a kid goat in it’s mother’s milk.
It happened to be part of a ritual used in the worship of Dionysus.
Historically it appears that in order to separate the Jews as a people who only worshipped Jahweh, they were forbidden to offer sacrifices and perform the rituals used for other gods.
it’s all a fairy tale. there are no such thing as gods. people can be so f@#$king stupid. Those “believers” out there are so quick to believe in God ( or whoever they believe in) without proof and as soon as someone claims to be the christ reincarnated, they call them crazy. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!!!!!!!!!
So, the Muslims and the Jews are banned by God from even touching the carcass of a pig; certain of the pig’s organs can be successfully transplanted into humans; if God really did create everything then he would have known of this possibility. Therefore God hates Muslims and Jews.
And did y’all know that baby rabbits are classed as fish by the Jews, as are otters, so they can both be eaten on the Sabbath if the scaly fish are hard to come by?