When Jesus got hangry. At a tree.

Discussion (57)¬

  1. E.A. Blair says:

    That must have been Republican Jesus – better tu curse the darkness…

  2. Matthew says:

    Looks like JC failed to FIGure it out…

  3. Succubus ov Satan says:

    Maybe its just that Jesus only has the ‘death poison touch’ a sort of anti-green thumb

  4. Succubus ov Satan says:

    “the power of Christ compels you…”

  5. Ballykeith says:

    Mo nails it this time.

  6. Rebecca says:

    that kind of fertility would have required some femme energy

  7. M27Holts says:

    Yeah. Or if the bible had proclaimed…Lo, the tree withered but suddenly a plate of Mcvities fig biscuits were delivered by a white haired aged angel in a wondrous wheeled silver chariot called a Delorien that did appear with fiery tracks…

  8. David says:

    Brilliant. I never thought of that. I’ll use it on my Christian friends. Thanks.

  9. postdoggerel says:

    And then God emerged from his resplendent, chopped, lowered DeLorean, with its red dingle balls running across the windshield, down both sides and across the back windshield, fuzzy dice hanging off the rearview mirror, red rabbit fur dash and steering wheel cover, red carpet floormats, cleverly concealed boombox, and a CB radio, and tossed a packet of Marmite crisps at the gaggle of Westboro Baptist Church goons, thunderously proclaiming to them that Jesus hated figs.

  10. Ed S says:

    The fig tree is a symbol for Rome much like the cedar for Lebanon and the sugar maple for Canada. Now does it make sense?

  11. Rrr says:

    Postdog: That is truly beautiful poetry!
    So brilliant.

  12. Laripu says:

    So Ed S, your saying that Jesus implied he had the power to bring down the Roman empire, or even that he would bring down the Roman empire? And that a mere 1500 years later that prophecy was fulfilled?

    Well that’s makes sense. I guess I’m a Christian now.


    Just one that doesn’t believe in gods, devils, hell, heaven, or the ancient religious writings of tribal people in antiquity.

  13. Donn says:

    I always thought that was a weird episode, and if figs represent Rome that at least is a starting place for trying to make sense of it.

  14. Mr Mo says:

    The fig tree potentially being a symbol of Rome only solidifies my belief that the story of Christ was an invention of Roman political figures to try to convince the rebellious Jewish population that their messiah had arrived, in order to placate them.

    Unfortunately, their story was a bit too convincing for Saul cum Paul, who ended up founding the church and destroying the religion of the very peoples that concocted it. Quite ironic.

  15. M27Holts says:

    ^ Aye an interesting hypothesis and very possibly the best of the ones that are not popular with most historians..but 99.9% approach the theory of a likely mythical jesus with the confirmation bias of the established religion controlling their agendas…

  16. Donal Feran says:

    I’m sure Mo was just taking these passages out of context.

  17. Max T. Furr says:

    Same thing with the plagues of Egypt and the “great flood.”

  18. Donn says:

    Same thing as what? I may have lost the plot here. The Romans made up the flood? The flood is evidence that Jesus needs to stop and think about his message before he smites things?

  19. Otharian Blak says:

    Julia Sweeney covered this in her “Letting Go of God” monologue, except that she didn’t have good old Mo there to provide the answer.

  20. John Cowan says:

    I think Jesus was just stressed out, and being man as well as God, he freaked and overreacted. Anyway, nobody who could turn water into wine is lacking in creative energy — that’s definitely uphill magic.

  21. Ed S says:

    Laripur, I’m not saying anything. I simply said the fig tree represents Rome. You figure it out from there. If the story makes you love God by loving your neighbour as yourself then it was a very powerful story for you. Good stuff

  22. Peter says:

    He kills a tree that isn’t bearing fruit? Sounds like the Monty Python Parrot skit. Sure, Jesus, it was alive before you got there. Let’s go with that.

  23. Donn says:

    But yeah, when I get that Jesus shriveled that fig tree because it reminded him of Rome, that obviously makes me love God by loving my neighbor as myself. Well, not really exactly like that, but it does give me the warm feelings towards the sun god, who just shrivels fig trees and stuff when they’re not getting enough water — i.e., attempting to help everyone out with warmth and photosynthesis because that’s what it’s about.

  24. M27Holts says:

    I know a few Neighbours who loved their Neighbours till their partners found out…

  25. Ed S says:

    Donn, I thought Laripur’s reaction a quantum leap but what is your take on Jesus cursing the fig tree. Obviously Authors take is just wrong. Matthew certainly wasn’t trying to show that Jesus had no agricultural knowledge. See if you can come up with a plausible explanation of why Matthew would have include this story in his gospel. Or would you rather just be silly.

  26. M27Holts says:

    Ed. Its a fictual story and a fairly shit one at that. A few zombies prowling through the olive groves would have been more entertaining…

  27. M27Holts says:

    Fictional…jebus my Englandness is rubbage…

  28. M27Holts says:

    Or maybe I’m having Fictual…yo describe a story..esp Religious which is complete balderdash but a lot of Spunk-Wombles think is truth…

  29. M27Holts says:

    And the paradigm for an Oxymoron…”Gospel Truth”…

  30. Ed S says:

    M27Holts. I have no doubt that some of the Bible is fictional. In fact, very little of it actually happened. That is not the point of scripture.

  31. Donn says:

    Who knows what “Matthew” was thinking. He must have had something to say, but didn’t manage to get it into a form that makes any sense in 2023. But who cares? I am at least as interested in trying to figure out what old Ukrainian folk songs are talking about (what’s this about a river you want to jump over? etc.) If you like to read this wacky stuff and try to puzzle out inspirational meanings, it’s your spare time.

  32. Ed S says:

    Donn, you were interested enough to read the comments and comment a couple of times. Or was that just your keyboard being bad again?

  33. Donn says:

    It’s a pretty casual interest here, like, maybe someone will be inspired to come up with an interesting story. Sometimes the comments are interesting. One has to participate, can’t expect the interesting commenters to present their interesting stuff to an apparently empty virtual hall. If it’s between me and “Matthew”, then … forget it.

  34. M27Holts says:

    Meanwhile. A German Joey God Botherer got fed up of their cult and opened fire with a legally owned assault rifle. Questions are being asked about his mental health? I would question anybodies mental health who believed the total shit that the Joeys spout week in week out. I attended a talk by a geezer at a local kingdom-hall. His main argument against evolution is that no chimpanzees have turned into people whilst in captivity! Best stand up comedian I ever saw…

  35. Deimos says:

    Hold up a minute, aren’t we missing the comedy gold of “national trees “ ?
    I mean Englands tree used to be the mighty oak but I imagine it’s now the ugly skyscraper.

    What about the rest ?

  36. M27Holts says:

    Oak trees are indiginous to most northern Hemisphere land masses? Or is my Arboreal knowledge awry?

  37. Rrr says:

    M27: I think oaks are different species (or at least varieties) on different continents.

    Also, that particular homicidal maniac in Hamburg was an ex-JW, apparently. Well, he must have been pretty crazy to even join to begin with but at some point realized his mistake. Unfortunately not sufficiently so for a peaceful ending.

    Maybe he got to know that all 144k tickets to Heaven had been sold out for a century and it made him even madder to be taken for a sucker? And maybe the police should have paid more attention to the repeated worrying reports that he had been stacking up ammo. For his registered gun.

    Connect dots, not bullet holes. Pro tip pro bono.

  38. Son of Glenner says:

    The mighty oak used to be valued for building warships. In the present day, it serves a much more valuable rôle, in the manufacture of casks (barrels) in which various alcoholic beverages are matured – wine, beer, rum, brandy, whisky (both spellings!).

  39. postdoggerel says:

    Rrr, thanks for the upvote, but brilliant it was not. No more than a healthy glob of brilliantine would improve Rudy Giuliani’s, Louie Gohmert’s, or Boris Johnson’s pates. I was inspired by M27’s post but could not match the descriptive excess of a story I can not forget. Unfortunately, I gave the book to a friend. I will post later when my copy of Beware of God, by Shalom Auslander, arrives. He describes the throne of God, who turns out to be a chicken, with terms of splendor properly reserved for disingenuous religious texts, meant, like cathedrals, to inspire awe.

  40. OtterBe says:

    Highly recommend Oak: the Frame of Civilization by W.B.Logan for a look at how a tree helped shape society. Well written, and researched, and a fun read in my opinion. It kindled an interest in archeology in me—which eventually led me to this site. So recommending it here brings me full circle.

    I’ll bet you a pint you’ll be searching your local Asian market for acorn flour after reading it

  41. Rob Barnett says:

    If god turns out to be a super-intelligent pig then I’m in trouble…Her “see how you like it” as she condemns me to be roasted over a slow fire with an apple in my mouth for all of eternity will be interesting twist to a life of gorging on bacon butties…

  42. Donn says:

    Shalom Auslander! New to me, and I am enjoying his youtube videos “UNGODLY: Good Lessons from a Bad God”. Not only a refreshingly sane look at this god character (the first few are old testament and I’m guessing all will be), but also some great use of media.

  43. M27Holts says:

    Aye. I would be very upset if my parents had removed any part of my atanomy without good medical reason. Sue the arse of the fookers would be my my advice of anybody who have had their anatomy alterered witiout any clinical reason…

  44. Shaughn says:

    OtterBe, thank you for the recommendation of Oak. I just ordered a copy and will be reading it soon. Lots of oaks around here, so I guess I’ll be reaping acorns next autumn 😀

  45. OtterBe says:

    Glad to hear it: you’re in for an enjoyable read. If you do decide to leach acorns, keep us posted on method and progress if you will.
    I tried to buy acorn flour, but ended up with the starch powder, so diy seems the best route

  46. Donn says:

    Sorry, I tried an acorn and it sucked, so I blasted the tree.

  47. Gus says:

    Phytophobia. That’s what JC engaged in.

  48. Rrr says:

    Acorns before swine.

  49. postdoggerel says:

    My avatar is a Serrano stone mortar located in the San Gabriel mountains of Southern California. It’s made more acorn flower than any man’s ever seen.

  50. Rrr says:

    Fascinating! I had wondered what that was.

    Not to be a pestle, but you may have meant flour 😉

  51. M27Holts says:

    My Avatar is my Local pub….says it all really…

  52. Rrr says:

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila – flour!

  53. M27Holts says:

    Tequila is a young uns folly. They always insist in buying rounds of tequila or black sambuca shots between rounds, then wonder why they all have hangovers from hell….

  54. Laripu says:

    There’s a rhyme from Dorothy Parker that I like:

    I like to have a martini,
    Two at the very most.
    After three I’m under the table,
    after four I’m under my host.

  55. Donn says:

    I guess hangovers could result from poorly distilled spirits, but would more suspect dehydration. Not for me tequila, rather the more rustic mescal.

  56. Rrr says:

    Re: hangovers. Decades ago, one of my seniors at work threw a big party at 50 (which I was unable to attend due to other engagements) and afterwards warned us younguns not to eat clementines because he did have one at the end of the feast and blamed it for an horrendous headache next day.

    Another acquaintance categorically stated that the Polish vodka (Wyborowa?) that has a strand of wild steppe grass inside the bottle also induces horrible pain, without fail. No doubt due to that pesky grass – because it could not be all that other grass that had gone into the brewing?

    Jeeves the footman knew to maintain status quo in his lord’s humours. According to Wodehouse, who also never told an untruth.

  57. Shaughn says:

    OtterBe – Oak is a good read indeed! (Got my copy yesterday 🙂 )


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